Shepherding Elinore’s Heart

I’ve been reading and studying a book called Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp.  I think I’ve mentioned it before.  This book has been the most valuable child training book I’ve read so far.  I can’t say enough good things about it (although I’m only halfway into it).  From most other books I have gotten a good sense of how to teach/train my children, how to maintain my own consistency as a parent/authority, and how to affect discipline.  Shepherding a Child’s Heart (SCH) goes deeper.  Much deeper.  His main principle is along the lines of this

“The expediency of dealing with behavior rather than the heart means that deep needs within the child are ignored.  You can’t respond to Suzie yelling at Jimmy by simply telling her to stop yelling.  The problem is not that she is yelling at her brother.  The problem is the anger and bitterness in her heart that her yelling expresses.  If you only try to change behavior, you are missing the real issue-her heart.  If you can successfully address the real issue, the behavior problem will be solved.”

Tripp says that “the heart is the wellspring of life.  Therefore, parenting is concerned with shepherding the heart.  You must learn to work from the behavior you see, back to the heart, exposing heart issues for your children.  In short, you must learn to engage them, not just reprove them.”

It has been so good to begin to address my attention towards Elinore’s heart (and soon Tobin’s), although I feel like I need to retrain myself.  I keep realizing what I should have said, or how I should have addressed things after the moment has passed.  Frustrating!

Here is an example.

A few days ago we had some friends over for dinner.  They have a little boy – let’s call him Paul (names have been changed to protect the innocent).  Paul is quite a few years older than Elinore, and that night he was not very interested in entertaining my somewhat overbearing three year old girl.  They were like oil and water.  He wanted to be left alone, and Elinore wanted to be in his face.  He wanted to sit quietly, and Elinore wanted to dance and sing.  When Elinore wasn’t able to get his attention, she resorted to teasing (not mean, just enough to push his buttons).  We adults were trying to have some conversation, and just kept smoothing things over and averting trouble.  After Paul left, Elinore was instantly back to her sweet self.

As I was brushing my teeth that night, I realized in my head all of the things I should have said to her.  The way I should have been guiding her heart!  I was so mad that I had missed that opportunity!!  The next morning over breakfast I ventured into it (better late than never, right?).

Me: Elinore, I want to talk to you about what happened with Paul last night.  I think I know what you wanted.  You wanted Paul to play with you and listen to what you said.  Is that right?

E: Yeah, but he didn’t want to play with me and he wouldn’t even listen to me.

Me: How did that make you feel?

E: Sad. I just wanted him to play with me.

Me: I know.  That is really hard.  (I went on to talk about how sometimes the people we love don’t do what we want them to do or say want we want them to say.  It is even hard for Mama sometimes.  We talked about how we can’t make them do things because that isn’t kind, and we shouldn’t tease them because that isn’t kind either…)

Me: So if that happens with Paul again, what should you do? (I am going for something along the lines of Leave Paul alone and find something else to do.)

E: I will pray to God.  God will help me.

Me: …(somewhat speechless).  That’s a really good idea.  What do you think would be a good prayer?  (some deliberating, mostly selfish prayers – eventually we agreed on:) Dear God, Help me to be a good friend even when Paul doesn’t want to play with me.

So good.  So we started out dealing with her trouble-making teasing attitude, but we reached down and found her little hurt heart that just wanted his attention.  And we saw her sweet innocent unswerving faith – often stronger than my own.  It is these moments that make me feel like we’re on the right track.